Daily Blog

Day 88. My black dog is called Kujo.

Not the best two weeks but it’s ok…

Many of you noticed my absence from the page lately and thank you all for the well wishes! Sorry I haven’t written lately, I’ve been up and down like a yo-yo during the last couple of weeks and I’ve been struggling with it. I wrote the following about a week ago and boy was I wrong.

The last few days…

What a totally rubbish week, well not totally but as far as my own battles go it hasn’t been great. I want to use every swear word ever invented, just out of frustration but I really don’t like to read that stuff myself and certainly wouldn’t expect anyone else to. I’m just so angry with myself. As a few of you are aware I went quiet this week and yeah it was because I got mauled by the black dog and struggled for the first couple of days. I picked up again and was feeling great just to dip again. The trigger this time has happened before, I obviously didn’t learn my lesson last time because I did exactly the same thing again. I pushed myself too hard. My head thinks everything will keep up and be fine if I work around the clock on projects, being controlled by OCD and perfectionism. The problem is, as I’ve found anyway that wether you feel tired or not you have to give your head something else to think about. Working 24hrs for 4/5 days, your OCD starts to work against you when coupled with fatigue. Whatever you’re working on might already be perfect but YOU maybe able to see something that any other person would never notice. That already perfect project then falls victim to faffing and before you know it you’re stuck in an endless cycle of making mistakes and trying to repair them. You, though at the time think you’re just correcting things but in fact, making them a lot worse, until you stand back and look you won’t realise what’s been going on and when the realisation hits you, you feel very silly….especially after trying to straighten already straight lines for 4/5 hours.

When it all caught up with me, well I shouldn’t have been shocked or surprised, I’ve gone quite a while with out a visit from him so subconsciously knew I was due. The good times can’t last with these illnesses, we know we’ll get bitten at some stage. It doesn’t stop us hoping the bad times don’t come though, trying to forget the fact or doing everything we can to keep them at arms length. It doesn’t matter though does it, they’re coming and will be there untill we find our unique ways of controlling them. I’m still learning, I don’t know how to control Kujo yet. I’m definitely sure that I’ve managed to keep him away for various periods of time, but not completely. It took a great deal of time to get the PTSD under control and that wasn’t as I’d imagined either, so maybe the depression turn-around will be out side of the box thinking too. it’ll come.

The most frustrating thing for me is that none of my regular coping and distraction strategies were working!. Zero. My morning habits were intact though, had my wash, made my bed, got dressed although I did go two days with no shower. I wasn’t hidden under the covers, I had the windows and curtains open. I even forced myself out of the front door, went to the shop, went to the pharmacy and had plenty of human contact. All of which I can never normally tolerate but will help me pull out of the pit of no return. Did it all, but still felt empty, twisted stomach and a feeling of dread that Stanley Kubrick would’ve harnessed for a film. More importantly, still full of fear, but not understanding why…….

I hate to say it but what actually helped me to not only stay on top of my habits and not hide this time was the sheer amount of human contact. I can’t bare to see or speak to anyone when down but on this occasion a lot of folk wanted to speak with me for a variety of reasons. I even reached out to another Dukie and we had a long awaited catch up. So as well as an unheard of amount of phone calls, lots of people in and out plus trying to catch-up with one or two online, human contact, in one form or another helped

I was complacent. One thing I should know more than anyone is never underestimate how complex these illnesses can be. I’m still not back to 100% but I’m better than I was. The positivity is starting to break through. much love!

Till next time


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