As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been working almost around the clock most of the week and just grabbing sleep here and there, where and when I can. Last night was no different. I’d worked pretty late and then ended up staying awake, chatting and messing around on social media until about 7 a.m. this morning. This isn’t healthy for anyone, even somebody that doesn’t suffer with mental health problems. But thankfully I won’t be doing much of that anymore, I’ve pretty much caught up on my work and can take my foot off of the gas now for a little while. My problem is that when I want something or need to achieve something I tend to throw myself in with everything that I have, not thinking about the consequences. I’m under no illusion that the wobbles that I’ve had this week with my depression and anxiety were affected indirectly by my sporadic sleep pattern lately. All work and no play is not a fun way to live. For me being mindful of that is progression. For me to know and realise that it is going to affect me greatly eventually, is something that I would never have noticed before. So now I can do something about it before it does take a grip on me. What I’ve achieved already this week is testament to the hard work I’ve already put in, so I can just pat myself on the back for that and consider it a huge win for me. But also now relax a bit, I’ve done the hard part, so I can now work on getting my sleep pattern back on track before Kujo comes knocking again. Consciously remembering prevention is better then cause. Any Victory no matter how small, is still a victory. Self appreciation is something that I’m learning about at the moment. Because believe it or not I’m still in state of self-loathing. Unfortunately that doesn’t just go away I’ll have to retrain myself to think differently. It will come though just the same as everything else has with a little bit of dedication and commitment. Meditation and mindfulness work very well for this.
Societal norms, educational environments, and/or family dynamics condition us to look at our failures rather than our successes. We internalise criticism and shrug off compliments. For some of us the idea of looking in the mirror with open-heartedness and love then saying to our reflection, “Hey, I think you’re fantastic; I genuinely appreciate and like you,” makes us squirm uncomfortably. I for one certainly don’t like to take praise for something I’ve done. I get embarrassed, often refusing to admit that they were correct and I have done a good job. I actually get picked up for it all the time, for not giving myself enough credit. I won’t give myself enough credit because of the self-Loathing. Either way I’m learning to get a grip on it now. It needs to change and I’m changing it. the same as everything else not working in my life. I’ve chosen to take the path of becoming the best possible version of myself and to start enjoying life again including enjoying myself as a person…. Anyway those are my thoughts today and thank you very much for taking the time to have a read!
Till next time…