Day 72. My journey of self destruction and hatred begins


It wasn’t long after my first admission to the mental health unit that I started to sink heavily, at speed into the deep, dark pitt of no return. You see, I absolutely despised myself, mostly because of what I had lost, things that had happened to me, memories I couldn’t erase and the lack of control I had over my mind. What I had become was an enemy to emyself and I was going to do everything I could to finish me, punish myself. I tried most things to end my life including overdose which is very difficult by the way, hanging, ligatures, cutting arteries to name a few then there was alcohol which very nearly succeeded on a couple of occasions, to the point of liver failure bright orange eyes, bright yellow skin and a 3 month stay in hospital. I was probably the worst person at committing suicide that ever existed. I always got caught, every single time. Thinking about it the self-destruction started long before the last 4 years, although it went in to overdrive since 2015, stopping at the beginning of this year.

It was after an extended work trip abroad when things started to affect me and I got stuck in to the bottle. This led to the eventual breakdown of my marriage and things kind of got quite bad from there, I’d been done for drink driving after crashing in to parked cars on our street. Definitely the most despicable thing I have ever done, I still don’t forgive myself now when I think about what could’ve happened if people were stood there. I’m so grateful there wasn’t. So on top of the PTSD, there’s the divorce and the drink driving. I think by now you can start to see where the self hatred was born within me. I’d like to add that I haven’t taken alcohol for nearly 3 years now and i don’t miss it one bit, in fact the smell turns my stomach. I don’t drink any form of caffeine, I have enough natural energy to get rid of, plus I’m naturally nuts enough. I don’t even drink sugary drinks. Sugar free all the way.

For years I continued to go and work all round the world hiding my problems and more often than not, wherever I went, alcohol was banned. So it would be an excuse to dry out and get sober, until it was time to come home then the vicious cycle would start again, boredom, over thinking, bad thoughts and flashbacks…..Bottle, hide, forget….make it worse….back to work. The PTSD came under control about the same time as the binge drinking stopped. Funny that huh? But both were down to one man and his therapy. I won’t name him yet. But by the time I’d gone to see him, I was having upwards of 20 flashbacks a day, after 7 one hour sessions, I’ve had 2 in about 6 months give or take. Even without drinking, my depression kept getting deeper and before long the self harm was taking a grip and I’d get a knife to cut parallel lines in to my arms just to feel something because at times there’s no feelings, in my head or my body. Completely numb, crying without knowing why, afraid but not knowing what of. Emotions mixed and stirred so much that they’re unrecognisable, unfathomable, unfixable.

The traumas that led to my PTSD will be brought up, I’m just trying desperately to find the right words for them.

Eventually something had to give and it did. My mind, on many occasions. There were more trips to A&E than I can possibly remember. Wrongly I was snubbing help from CMHT (community mental health team) and the crisis team, I didn’t think they were doing enough and thought their help was pointless so I stopped engaging. Really what they were doing WAS helping, but I had to realise it and really want the help for any of it to work. So, ignorant me carried on dis-engaged and finding myself in and out of mental health facilities for a few years.

Almost every occasion that I went to any psych ward, it always started in similar circumstances. I’d have some kind of breakdown, my partner at the time would find me in a bad way, taking an overdose or I’d be self harming in some way. She was a legend by the way, worked in the care sector and did nothing but try to help me, I though, couldn’t see it and my neglect for myself and my situation put an end to that relationship. The saying is true, you really don’t know how good you have it until it’s no longer there. She supported me through stopping the binge drinking and the flashbacks, in fact, she even found the guy that helped me after nothing else worked. I owe her a great deal.

So I’ve now laid the groundwork for you which means that tomorrow I can start on the actual accounts of the times I was admitted and just how low I became on many, many occasions. I’m sorry if it seems a little fragmented, I’m trying to write things down as I’m remembering them through fear of forgetting important details.

Thanks so much for staying with it and continuing to read my efforts! I love you all and have an amazing day! much love!

Till next time

Dan

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