Day 147.  Fed up, but trying hard..

Sorry that I’ve not been about much at all lately.  It’s been harder than usual, in fact the hardest this year.  I’m still not through it by a long shot but I’m taking steps in the right direction.  It’s affected me enough to get the community mental health team involved and could end up with me having another trip to hospital for a spell to overcome what is literally a living hell.

I been playing too and fro with Cujo (my black dog) for some time now, years in fact.  To the point that I regularly attempted suicide and self harmed on a daily basis.  This all changed for me back in January after 4 years of suicide ideology and self destruct.  It changed, my thought processes aligned and ive been working hard to stay positive and motivated, writing about it has given me strength and an edge in the battle with depression.  The support from sharing my problems with mental health in public forums etc, especially my facebook followers, has been tremendous in my recovery.

This time the shroud of darkness, turmoil, loathing, hatred and confusion have beaten everything I have in the toolbox.  EVERYTHING. 

I was already on the way down when I received news of a death in the family.  I have a particularly indifferent attitude towards death, especially after time in the forces and also going back to working with them in theatres all over the globe as a civilian after.  I’m used to death and find that I don’t grieve like most individuals.  Even though this person was very influential during my informative years and loved dearly by everybody including myself,  it just doesn’t register for me the way it does with others.

Now, my Grandmother was awesome, sadly though her partner, Grandad (Gramps) unfortunately only passed away a few months before.  He was equally important in my life and another awesome, very accomplished gentleman.

Although I’ve lost two vitally important lynch pins, educators, friends and at times parents in the last 6 months or so, I don’t feel that they’re gone and I suppose it comes down to acceptance.  I accept things differently, as mentioned above.

Do I think this has had an effect on my mental health at the moment?  Yes no doubt.  But I’m not thinking about them, nor am I dwelling on it.  So subconsciously I must be having a right old barney with myself and until I get the card deck in order I can’t be the dealer of my emotions.  I simply have no control.  I cry for no reason, often at embarrassing times, misread the emotions of others, fail to see the positives in anything, self loath, hate life altogether, lock myself away from life and bury my head not wanting to deal with anything.  All because I don’t know how to cope with life when it gets like this.

Things haven’t gotten as bad as self harming again.  But the thoughts do come and increasing which is why I have the community mental health team involved.  I CAN’T and WON’T go back to being that person.  I still have fight left in me, this battle is just harder than most so may take a little longer. If you’re struggling just now, reach out, there’s a plethora of help available and there’s no need to go it alone, I know how hard it is to speak up, I believe in you, you’ve got this!  Much love!

Till next time



  1. Another inspiring read, even in this, the darkest of hours, you had the strength to write your thoughts down on how your feeling right now. I’m proud of you mate, your a warrior, as I always say to myself, what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger, keep pushing, i know it’s not easy, but I know you’ve got this, stay strong, until next time, take care, ok mate


    Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries buddy, we are here to help each other, and if I can help in any way, no matter how small, that means a lot to me, cheers mate, until the next time

        My the force be with you


        Liked by 1 person

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