Day 152. The Black dog V Raging bull.

I’d like to start by thanking everyone of you for the amazing amount of well wishes and messages of support, it really is gob smacking that there’s still stigma surrounding mental health, but we’re showing that the help IS there, the support IS there and the next person who wants to say you shouldn’t talk about it should be sent to speak to me please, the Dan school of learning and re-programming is open 24/7. I think that it’s truly outrageous that people should still be fearful of talking about their emotions and mental challenges and that goes whether you’re man, woman or child especially in an age of pick your own gender specification. Society has lost course…

I’m back at the best I can be so I’m starting to push forward again. These stand-offs that I have with Kujo (black dog) are draining, I’m not talking about during the depressive dip, I’m talking after, when he’s been wrangled by the warden and dragged to the pound where no doubt he’ll escape again and make a bee line straight for me. After I’ve been down I feel a bit lost, out of touch and always, always playing catch-up, with which I naturally put pressure on myself to do so in a speedy manner, which is great but then once I’ve caught up, I forget to slow down with which the pressure I piled on to myself at the beginning has snowballed into a raging bull and I’m doing the street run in Pamplona being chased by several of the metaphorical beasts with no means of escape! You may see where I’m going with this. Then coupled with the night terrors, OCD, perfectionism (at times), anxiety, sleep deprivation and a personality disorder to boot! All of that married to an unrivalled and motivated urge to succeed in my current mission to help make sure that I never see another person go through the 4 years of self destruct, suicide ideology and daily self harm that I am now fortunately over. It all leads to only one single place every single time…


So now that I’ve identified what’s working against me, how do I stop it from happening? How do you slow a guy down that is naturally full speed ahead all of the time? Because I’m, not hyper, genetically chained to the freight train, for years I haven’t drunk any form of caffeine (no tea or coffee), no energy boosting canned drinks or any sugary fizzy drinks. Because I don’t need it at all, I think I may be covering old ground a little but it’s relevant, if I had a cup of coffee I could win the London marathon with zero training, eating a dirty kebab and smoking 40 cigarettes en-route. Then still be awake for two weeks whilst it wears off (slight exaggeration). I can still be the life and soul of a party though even though I don’t drink alcohol either (explained in an earlier blog titled ‘Two sides to Alcohol”).

Then, how? If you have the answer, please don’t be shy because this isn’t a new trait, it’s literally just the way I am. The difference is the mental health on top of being wired like Usain Bolt plugged in to the mains and never stopping at the 100 finish, a bit like the energizer bunny strapped to hare at the dog track.

The mental health is still the damn problem, I was ok before I became poorly, I could happily live with no caffeine or any stimulants for that matter. Then comes along an unhealthy amount of trauma and before I know it I am here like this writing my life and daily stories, which is a 24 carat gold lining to a very black existence otherwise. who knew it would be this popular, it’s growing so fast and so many great things have come from it. I started this as a result of being told that writing things down is a great way to self help and get things out of your head so you can get some clarity, only a few short months ago. Now I have a team of the most amazing, caring, committed, knowledgeable, experienced and most of all, friendly with a very similar burning passion to myself, working here for FREE. It’s paying off though, we help so many people, daily. I’ve lost count of the dark hours crisis phone calls that I’ve had since I started, nobody has followed through after our intervention and I still check in with every single one from time to time, all are getting every bit of help they need and even though most have a long way to go still, they’re happy. It works, it works because I’m not your run of the mill therapist, instead I’m the bloke just the other side of where attempt and committed get cosy but don’t cross, I’m the guy that knows exactly what you’re thinking, the desperation, the anger that’s boiling inside, I know what a self harm fixation feels like, I’m the person that right NOW knows what’s going through your head when you can’t make sense of anything yourself stuck with confusion and doubt, the reason?….

Because I survived suicide.

Much love!

Till next time folks


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